so i've fucked up my knee and I have not been able to go running everday like i would like too, everytime i run it locked/freezes up and i can barely bend it, so i'm gonna give it a rest. sighhhh, i've been pretty frusterated for the past week cause i have not seen much weight loss.  The first week really set my expectations high, but that was prolly mostly water weight, fuck that shit. anyways today is a new day, woke up with my boyfriend next to me in bed which was very nice :) for  breakfast gonna eat some oatmeal with fruit, i should go grocery shopping again soon, sighhh. o but i did drop a lot of money at sport's authority and bought some exercising equipment, i start my exercise routine on monday, kicked my ass the next day i was soooo sore, i was walkin around like an 80 year old woman, just showed how out of shape i really am, ughhh. anyways so i'm gonna keep up with that for three days a week maybe four once my muscles heal from the first time and also as soon as my knee heals i'll be back to running everyday and that's that. gotta stay focused. sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I have done really really good thus far today. The only thing that i have eaten today is a whole wheat brand muffin with some blue/rasp/blackberries.  I also whent grocery shopping today at trader joe's, can't say enough goodthings about that place, i love it so much. gonna make dinner before i go to my class so that i'm not starving by the time i get out. so i won't eat late at night cause i don't get out till ten at night. then afterwards i'll go running again today to burn off some of the dinner. but that's about it so far, i drove lee my neighboor to the airport or he would of missed his flight to berlin, he's a dj and plays mostly around europe, that's a pretty sweet job, plus he will be able to hook me and ash up at tech fest!!!! can't wait :)

FUCKKKKKKKKK. had a bad day. tomorrow is a new one, gotta stay focused. I can not afford to fuck up tomorrow. fuck being fat!

I decided to weigh myself today and i couldn't believe what i saw on the scale 129.6lbs!!!! das rite i've lost 7.4 pounds in a week, i still can't believe it, this is a great turning point, because this is helping me stay even more focused. I can just imagine those pounds melting off in no time. I hope i don't hit a platue anytime soon. I am very proud of myself but yeah i still feel fat, very fat. sighhhhh. i think i'm gonna change my goal to 105 instead of 110, i would love to see only one numbero uno instead of two, but i gotta get through the 120's now, this is gonna be tuff, but i know i can do it!!! gotta stay focused gotta stay strong, i'm gonna go running now. I look forward to running now, it def takes away the anxiety after i eat something. Today....

1. non-fat yogurt with raspberries, sweetened with agave.
2. tuna (drained) with a lil bit of onion, tomatoes, pickelrelish, rasp vinager and about an 1/8th cup of whole wheat croutons.
3. a kiwi
4. a chicken breast, with aspargus, and some brown rice.

can't eat anything for the rest of the night, gotta go running now.

 

fuck that last long entry, i'm doing this for noone else but myself.

after my last entry i have not eaten anything else, i am soooo proud of myself!!!!!  :)
gotta stay focused, gotta stay strong.
i wonder how much i weigh right now, i don't have a scale at my apartment, which is prolly a good thing cause in the past i would weigh myself everyday and get very upset when it was not showing what i wanted to see. at my work we have a large scale for animals which is pretty accurate and i've been trying to only weigh myself once a week, but i think i will tomorrow cause i feel like i've lost a bit more. One person i do love very much is my mother, today she told me that it looks like i've lost some weight in my face and that she is proud of me for losing weight, how many mother's say that? lol. she understands that it is important to be thin and she is supporting me fully for my weight loss. i think i'm gonna go have another cig, cv is having a drink after a long day at work, i wanna go see him but at the sametime i don't cause i feel to weak to move, but i really really don't wanna eat anything else. sighhh. oh yeah and the hunger pains i thought that i would never get used to them but now i kinda like them, weird i know but it feels good to know that my stomach is empty.

 

I've done pretty good thus far today, something strange happened though. I don't go to church quite that often but i ended up going this morning to see my family and then they all wanted to have breakfast over my gma's house so i said ok i'll go, big mistake. My grandmother's cooking is beyond fattening, her main ingrediants for everthing is cheese and butter and then some more cheese and butter! sighh. I got away with eating a very small piece of this cassarole that she made. The first bite was horrific, I could taste all that cheese, eggs and cream along with ham and whatever else she put in it. Of course i did the usual cut it into very small pieces and eat very very slowly but each bite was so hard to get down afterwards i had this wave of anxiety. I have not had a panic attack in a very long time but this sure felt like one. couldn't breathe very well and i couldn't shake this feeling of anxiousness.  I got my ass home as fast as i could and went for a very long run. I felt so much better afterwards. sighhhh. i've got to try very hard not to put myself in those situaions. I thought she would have at least one thing healthy on the table but nope notta thing. 
so far today.......

1. one whole wheat muffin with a few pieces of kiwi
2. that small piece of shit cassorole, ugh.
3. some aspargus with a pieces of eggplant and zuccinni (sp)
4. less then fourth of a cup of whole grain oats and whole grain wheat cereal.

gotta keep strong, gotta keep going.

today......ehh did ok.

1. Oatmeal with blueberries
2. six inch veggie sub
3. one whole wheat bran muffin and a kiwi
4. some salamon with mixed veggies
5. on a horrible note a hummer shot was bought for me so i felt obligated to drink it
and one half of a piece of key lime pie!!! ughhhh

but instances like this will happen and i can't beat myself up about it, tomorrow is a new day.
To help cover my last two mistakes i went running twice today the usual route that i take.

1. yogurt and raspberries (sweetened w/ agave) with a whole wheat brand muffin.
2. Tuna with a lil bit of onion, tomatoe, a lil bit of whole wheat pasta and whole wheat croutons and rasp vinger. (a lil bit means like an eighth of a cup)
3. shrimp stirfry with some snow peas, red pepper, brocolli and scallions

I am very proud of myself today :) I wish i could eat less but this fuels me enough during the day to function. sigh.
Ash and everyone is going out for her twenty second birthday, I want to go and have fun but i really really don't want to drink. AT ALL. I will probably give in but i'll only drink mic ultra and limit myself to three or four. I'm about to go running to burn of my dinner, I"ve been running everyday even in this cold. Exercise is definately key to losing weight faster, can't wait till my other credit card comes in the mail so i can go equipment shopping and start this new work out that has killer moves to help me burn more fat!!! must stay focused, can't stand being fat anymore. yuck disguesting piece of fat shit.

It has been a very long time since I have posted an entry, during the past year there have been many ups and downs. I feel that I have matured greatly and during this process I have grown stonger and learned many lessons.  An issue that has been with me since I can remember is my weight. Name a diet and I have probably tried it and failed. What I have learned is that true weight sucess comes with a change of lifestyle. If weight loss is what I really truely want then it can happen but only if i want it extremely bad. There have been so many times where I have said that i want to lose weight but end up picking up that carton of ice cream or that bag of potato chips and then feeling so guilty that I give up for the day and say "oh well i'll try to eat better tomorrow" only to entail the vicious cycle that starts all over again.  What works best for me is by planning ahead of time what i am going to eat that day and sticking with it. My moring breakfast (which is extremely important because by lunchtime I would end up eating anything that was fast and easy which most of the time was loaded with fat) consists of either lowfat yogurt with a granola bar or oatmeal with some fruit in it. These types of foods fuel me for the whole morning until about noon which most of the time I eat either a salad (which there a endless combinations of) or a tuna wrap, if anyone has some questions how i make it feel free to ask, they are delicious and easy to make. Dinner usually consists of grilled or baked chicken (in the stove, these are the least fatening ways) vegtables and brown rice. Or if i get tired of this dish i can mix it up in a stirfry and add a fatfree ginger dressing, it's delicious.  I ballooned up to about 137 and when i read this number on the scale I knew that I had to do something.  Since then I have lost three pounds which is not a milestone but it sure is a good start. My goal weight is 110 pounds. I feel that a girl my height would look healthy and gorgeous with this weight. I am determined and focused. One of the reasons that I am striving for this weight loss is because and  I hate to say it but it is beacuse of my boyfriend, his body is one that is definately extrodinary and gorgeous to gawk at.  I HATE IT that he is pretty much the same size has me, not his weight because he is about 160 but it's ALL muscle.  His waist is my size if not smaller and that bothers me so much, I can't say it enough.  (When he tries to pick me up i cringe and feel like I weigh 300lbs)  Don't get me wrong my goal of weight loss is not soley just for him but it is also for myself because i do want to have more self-confidence and become more healthy. He asks me "why don't you ever show your midriff or ever show a lil skin?" I just tell him it's because i'm a conservative and shy woman but honesly I can't stand myself and when i see fat girls show off their poundage it grosses me out to so much that I get the urge to vomit whatever I had just eaten. Why he is my boyfriend and has sex with me I have no idea.  That is an issue in our relationship.  I can't get it though my head that maybe just maybe he really does love me and enjoys having sex with me but I let my weight issue take over and push him away because I don't want him to touch me for fear of him touching my fat or for fear of him thinking I am too fat. I really do love him very much and I really truely don't want to lose him but if I contiune with the same weight that I am and the same attitude that I currently have I know for a fact that I will push him so far away that i will lose him. Sighhhhhhhh, this is why i've had enough and something needs to be done.

1. Oatmeal with a banana.
2. One whole wheat muffin with 8oz. of orange juice
3. Tuna with some tomato, onion, pickle relish, alfalfa sprouts and less then a hand full of whole wheat pasta.
4. Some pretzels :(
5. A piece of grilled chicken with some aspartus and brown rice.
6. Water throughout the day.